ME before You
How Art helped me rediscover myself?
Close Section of “I am my Hero”
“Loving yourself isn’t vanity, it’s sanity”. ~ Katherina Mayer, American Author
In our society, at least the cultural society I belong to, this is considered with a frown often unashamedly being labeled as “selfish thoughts”. I have often struggled to understand the potency of this label in our patriarchal society where all one sees is ego-centric power struggles of men to this effect. Maybe then the reality of the label is true only for women who are seen primarily as “givers” and not receivers.
We skillfully play numerous roles in life as the cliché goes. A Daughter. A Sister. A Wife. A Mother… among several more. As the narrative leads, it is commonality to gratifyingly identify with every part you perform at different junctures…until it doesn’t.
Palpable questions habitat my mind periodically.
Are we meant to be only these?
Can we be more along with these roles?
At what point in our life do we start questioning this?
Or do we ever have the courage to start questing?
In my melancholy moods, these dialogues with self have followed me for several years now. I knew every time I said, “just play along” I was being untruthful to myself.
Life fast forwarded, having given up my career for motherhood just felt correct. Even justifiable as family is priority. Fulfilling, as I see my daughters blossom into opinionated young adults. However, after a point of time you want more. I could feel in my bones that I was meant to do more. As I continued my inner dialogue searching for answers, my sense of self stared me at my face.
Over the course of years, I have seen myself exhausted and lost playing different roles. I had somehow unknowingly crawled into a cocoon of self-doubt punishing and pushing myself into an expanse of insignificance in my mind. This chaos pulled me in different directions and the desire for validation burned deep leaving charred scars. This chaos, I knew had to find refuge and outlet somewhere. Giving myself 10 years in the role of a committed mother and a full-time homemaker (the role by the way never ends), I decided I needed to create some boundaries of downtime for “myself”.
“Selfish?”
Maybe So. Maybe not.
This made perfect sense to me. I would start doing things that brought me joy and perhaps even defined me to some extent. Little did I know that this would be a consequential fountainhead of something life-altering.
I have always been a believer of the gentle ways the universe guides us. I believe things come to us at the right time and at their own pace. The answer to my questions also took time. Art & writing came to me exactly at the time I needed them the most.
I have realized, once you embark on a course that touches your soul, you slowly start scratching the surface of that cocoon of self-doubt. As the search deepens so does your desire to be let out until one day you scream and scratch so hard that the cocoon splits open and you are free. You are still treading lightly on water, but you have gained enough confidence with the voice you have developed that it will see you through.
All the Art I make is my sanctuary.
I make Art because I love it from the core of my being. Every piece I have made till date narrates a story about ME. It answers my basic questions of identity & character. I am all the above roles and much more. Sometimes, I am selfish & that is because I love myself. Sometimes I keep “me over you” & that is because I am true to myself.
And I am not ashamed to admit these truths.
The quest continues…
I am still searching for answers. I am still finding a stronger voice.
It has been a long winding path of self-discovery. It sounds cliched but that’s what it is … plain and simple. I am discovering so many facets about myself that I didn’t know existed. Whether they are good or bad, or whether others approve or not, is irrelevant.
What is important is that they are mine and I wildly and proudly own them. I have a voice. I have a strong sense me. I have finally found that unshakable resounding confidence in myself to get up and make a difference for myself.
“Me before You” Series, is a note to self. It is a love letter to me.
At age 46, I validate my own existence.
"ME before You" SERIES
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"ME before You" SERIES |
Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.